Event: https://www.augustdriftanddribble.com/ (5 minute limit)
Reader: Michael Oort
Title: Advice from the other side of tragedy
< audibly breathe in for 1 second; breathe out for 2 seconds>
The Navy Seals practice a breathing technique to curtail the feeling of panic. It is simple: breathe out twice as long as you breathe in. I use this often during the day and during the night to survive from the other side of tragedy and from the inside of deep grief.
There is no way to sugar coat it, this is going to hurt…
In the wee hours of Sunday, March 6, 2022 my 21 year old lovely daughter was murdered by someone she knew. She and her three roommates were asleep in their apartment, in one of the statistically safest countries in the world – the Netherlands, in an enchanting medieval town, and attending one of the most idyllic colleges imaginable.
Recently, a friend told me: "You're the only person I know who has had a loved one murdered".
Inconceivable. Distant. Separate.
From the outside there is a sense of horror that introduces stigma, pity, and separation.
From the inside there is deep grief and isolation. I now see the outside world through a veil; filtered through pain. Now that I have crossed the rubicon I have empathy for all the parents who have lost a child ... and yet do I have true empathy? Deep grief is a snowflake; unique and so multi-dimensional. A trigger lies in wait, ready to ambush. It could be an innocuous comment that springs as a viper as you let down your heavy armour during an afternoon stroll amongst friends.
To start to understand the inner workings of tragedy and grief you must recognize how tragedy echoes forever in the souls of the connected. You need to understand, at the core, tragedy is defined by an irreconcilable personal loss that resulted from a fatal fall from the one sickly branch of a tree with a million healthy branches; each of which were begging you to listen to the rustle of the leaves, each offering their path to prevention.
So, how can we hope to protect our children at every transition, from crib to school and beyond? First, recognize that the tools change for every transition. We forget that our skills in sensing, intuiting, understanding, and action have taken years to grok and a lifetime to master. Keep conveying these skills through shared experiences with your children. Practice wisdom to avoid building walls of resistance to deep mutual understanding. Build presence beyond physical proximity but without the burden of control or guilt. Teach emotional and physical self defense. Learn to pry open the hidden dangers as your children develop but without imposition and without diminishing their agency. Practice when they are young and never stop, especially during those times they branch out and even reject you. Take note of the transitions in life and pay special attention.
Why is this message important? It is because this experience is something you will not seek and likely never encounter. Why should you and your loved ones have this knowledge? The answer lies in a curious observation about learning. Recently, while training a neural network to recognize numbers from an image, I discovered that it could not learn certain patterns without negative feedback. This suggests that raising a child with only positive feedback will not prepare the young adult for learning certain patterns, like the negative patterns that signal danger. Find ways to teach awareness, wisdom, and action.
Meanwhile, in the presence of a survivor, understand there is no script but start by replacing pity with emotional embrace, oblivion with selfless interaction, and apathy with timely action. Practice with anyone and especially with your children as they explore outside the nest.
You're welcome.
p.s. If you want to begin to know Mieke see https://mieke.one.
